Am I a Man?

Originally Published on Medium - May 9, 2018

I feel like Im non-binary
 I don’t know what that means
 But I feel it
 
 I feel like Im non-binary
 What does that mean
 What does that mean for me?
 for my friends?
 for my life?

Ive been working on just figuring out myself, and that journey has led me here
 To fear

Fear of being non-binary
 What would that mean?

My brain & hear debate
 But this isn’t an analysis
 This is my life

In my life, in all my life
 I have always hated boxes,
 Always hated acting how I “should”
 But now when I think of the potential for complete freedom
 What do I feel?

Fear
 I don’t know where to go from here

My whole life I lived as a persona
 So scared of people seeing me, that I never saw myself

Who I was, & who I am, were always at odds
 Fighting each other
 Fighting out of fear

I never felt like a typical guy, but that was scary
 So I acted like I thought guys should act
 Most of my personality was scraped from tv & movies

I always had a better ability to connect with females
 Always felt more at ease in their presence 
 But a guy was supposed to get laid
 So I screwed up most of my friendships
 I was so scared of the idea that I didn’t want to sleep with them
 That I tried to sleep with them

I was so scared of who I am
 That I acted how I thought I ought to act

And I messed up a lot of things up because of that

Ive never been the typical guy
 So I played him, took it on as a role
 But now that Ive finally broken that role
 Ive found myself thinking
 Am I any sort of guy

Or something else

And that is where I sit
 Confused

As much as I feel I don’t fit the typical guy
 I also don’t fit the typical non-binary
 Which seems like it wouldn’t make sense

But

I wouldn’t change the way I dress, I dress like a dude
 And really, that is what we are judged on still
 Our physical appearance
 So I feel like

Yes there are more than two boxes now
 But there are still boxes
 and Ive never liked boxes

I used to just view myself as an atypical guy
 But now there are other boxes
 other options to consider
 I feel like I still don’t fit

To say I am non-binary, but to continue to live the way I do
 I fear rejection
 I am just the guy into chicks that wants to get closer to them
 But no
 Ive always felt safe with females
 But I don’t fit what people think of as non-binary
 So if I label myself that
 Why

Why
 Why not just be the very sensitive guy
 Be the guy with the female friends
 Who doesn’t try to sleep w/ them all
 If I can ignore society
 Then that’s all well & good
 But without some sort of pronouncement
 Can I really be me

And so I sit and think
 Am I a guy, or something else

And my intellect based anxiety says
 You don’t need to know
 But Im not able to meet females without them assuming I want to get with them
 But im not going to change the way I am or dress, to fit “not a male”
 But the need to define myself is still based on how I want society to view me 
 But

How do I want society to view me?
 Being a CSWM is about as privileged as I can get, do I want to change that
 It seems to be preventing me from forming the relationships Id like to form

I feel like I want the best of both worlds
 Or is it the worst?

If I say, Im non-binary, but dress, talk and act like a man, and go by he. 
 Am I accepted by everyone?
 Or no one?
 Am I loving and living the system, or abusing it?

At what point, what is the point?
 If I wish I were a “man” can I just not change what a “man” is

The bottom line is for me to be me, and just go from there
 But
 Men are shitty, on average

I want to be disassociated from the shitty, insensitive, unthoughtful “man”
 How do I say that?

Do I announce Im non-binary
 Do I announce Im a sensitive little flower of a man, but still a man
 Or do I just be, ujst live, and hope my life grows and goes in the way I wish.

Can I be a man, and have people belive I am the way Iam
 Can I be non-binary and have people believe I am the way I am

I feel like neither
 So I may as well be a man, its much easier
 But is it me
 Who knows

I guess the goal is to not care
 To focus on being David
 Let society put me in whatever box they want
 The boxes are for them, not for me
 They can stress over what box I fit int
 That’s not my problem
 But in a world full of boxes
 It is fucking terrifying to not self-select
 Ive always hated boxes.

If gender is a spectrum, Ive never been on one solid end
 But to say that explicitly, changes everything.