Am I a Man?
Originally Published on Medium - May 9, 2018
I feel like Im non-binary
I don’t know what that means
But I feel it
I feel like Im non-binary
What does that mean
What does that mean for me?
for my friends?
for my life?
Ive been working on just figuring out myself, and that journey has led me here
Fear of being non-binary
What would that mean?
My brain & hear debate
But this isn’t an analysis
This is my life
In my life, in all my life
I have always hated boxes,
Always hated acting how I “should”
But now when I think of the potential for complete freedom
What do I feel?
I don’t know where to go from here
My whole life I lived as a persona
So scared of people seeing me, that I never saw myself
Who I was, & who I am, were always at odds
Fighting each other
Fighting out of fear
I never felt like a typical guy, but that was scary
So I acted like I thought guys should act
Most of my personality was scraped from tv & movies
I always had a better ability to connect with females
Always felt more at ease in their presence
But a guy was supposed to get laid
So I screwed up most of my friendships
I was so scared of the idea that I didn’t want to sleep with them
That I tried to sleep with them
I was so scared of who I am
That I acted how I thought I ought to act
And I messed up a lot of things up because of that
Ive never been the typical guy
So I played him, took it on as a role
But now that Ive finally broken that role
Ive found myself thinking
Am I any sort of guy
Or something else
And that is where I sit
As much as I feel I don’t fit the typical guy
I also don’t fit the typical non-binary
Which seems like it wouldn’t make sense
I wouldn’t change the way I dress, I dress like a dude
And really, that is what we are judged on still
Our physical appearance
So I feel like
Yes there are more than two boxes now
But there are still boxes
and Ive never liked boxes
I used to just view myself as an atypical guy
But now there are other boxes
other options to consider
I feel like I still don’t fit
To say I am non-binary, but to continue to live the way I do
I fear rejection
I am just the guy into chicks that wants to get closer to them
Ive always felt safe with females
But I don’t fit what people think of as non-binary
So if I label myself that
Why not just be the very sensitive guy
Be the guy with the female friends
Who doesn’t try to sleep w/ them all
If I can ignore society
Then that’s all well & good
But without some sort of pronouncement
Can I really be me
And so I sit and think
Am I a guy, or something else
And my intellect based anxiety says
You don’t need to know
But Im not able to meet females without them assuming I want to get with them
But im not going to change the way I am or dress, to fit “not a male”
But the need to define myself is still based on how I want society to view me
How do I want society to view me?
Being a CSWM is about as privileged as I can get, do I want to change that
It seems to be preventing me from forming the relationships Id like to form
I feel like I want the best of both worlds
Or is it the worst?
If I say, Im non-binary, but dress, talk and act like a man, and go by he.
Am I accepted by everyone?
Or no one?
Am I loving and living the system, or abusing it?
At what point, what is the point?
If I wish I were a “man” can I just not change what a “man” is
The bottom line is for me to be me, and just go from there
Men are shitty, on average
I want to be disassociated from the shitty, insensitive, unthoughtful “man”
How do I say that?
Do I announce Im non-binary
Do I announce Im a sensitive little flower of a man, but still a man
Or do I just be, ujst live, and hope my life grows and goes in the way I wish.
Can I be a man, and have people belive I am the way Iam
Can I be non-binary and have people believe I am the way I am
I feel like neither
So I may as well be a man, its much easier
But is it me
I guess the goal is to not care
To focus on being David
Let society put me in whatever box they want
The boxes are for them, not for me
They can stress over what box I fit int
That’s not my problem
But in a world full of boxes
It is fucking terrifying to not self-select
Ive always hated boxes.
If gender is a spectrum, Ive never been on one solid end
But to say that explicitly, changes everything.